Well gang, at this writing, Texas continued to reel from The Great Arctic Blow of ’21.
Are you doing OK? Got everything you need? Power? Water? Food? Sunscreen for an impromptu getaway to Cancun?
Interesting that Blow’s real name is Winter Storm Uri, which we assume short for Urinary. Appropriate. This storm has been a real pisser.
I fared relatively well despite Uri’s best efforts. Though not very warm thanks to the iffy rolling blackouts, my condo remained dry. Literally — the whole complex had no running water for 13 days; I became an expert at maintaining (pretty) good hygiene by taking Dasani ho baths.
I had plenty of food, though if I never eat another turkey wrap on a stale tortilla for as long as I live, I’m good with that.
Don’t think for a second I don’t count myself among the very lucky, very fortunate, and very blessed. Most of those waterless 13 days were spent in the warm, comfy suburban home of my Much Better Half while thousands of people endured the loss of property, loss of home, and/or loss of sanity. May their suffering end soon.
Frankly, my greatest hardship during Uri was getting a numb ass from sitting on the couch for too long, binge-watching Everybody Hates Chris episodes on Hulu. Thank you, Lord.
As they always do, heroes and zeroes emerged during Uri’s visit and the aftermath.
One such hero is businessman “Mattress Mac” MacIngvale, the King of Gallery Furniture. Mac once again opened the doors of his showrooms, inviting those who were displaced to kick back on a 100 percent leather sectional sofa, warm up with a free meal while seated at a solid-oak dining room table or catch some ZZZ’s on a Sealy Posturepedic mattress. Mac doesn’t just save you money; sometimes he actually saves you.
On the other hand, our own U.S. Senator Ted Cruz (R-Tx.) skipped off to Cancun in the early days of Uri’s wrath like a frat boy on spring break. How very Brett Kavanaugh of him.
It’s the duty of every decent Texan to remember how Cruz valiantly defended his decision to high tail it out of town because he wanted to be “a good father” to his sun-seeking daughters. Meanwhile, other Houstonians’ daughters whom he represents in Congress went cold, hungry, and numb-assed for days.
Remember this when Ol’ Ted comes up for re-election in 2024, if he doesn’t self-implode in a puddle of smirky slime before then.
Serving as a goofy distraction from plunging temperatures, busted pipes, and ERCOTicide is U.S. Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga.).Striving hard to make a name for herself as the female iteration of Ted Cruz, MTG is the working man’s version of Ivanka Trump — she’s blonde, holds too much power, and likely calls Donald Trump “Daddy.” Think of MTG as the Suave shampoo to Ivanka’s L’Oreal, but neither of them is worth it. And, as he has expressed he would his older daughter, the former president would likely “date” MTG quicker than you can say, “Ew, what’s this nasty orange stain on my My Pillow?”
After being removed from the House of Representative’s Budget and Education and Labor committees for endorsing violence against House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, Greene now spends much of her spare time impeding LGBTQ equality. Most recently, her scholarly response to a colleague who displayed a transgender rights flag outside her own office was to hang a threatening and medically inaccurate sign beside her office door that claims “There are TWO genders: Male & Female. Trust the science.”
And call me crazy, but I like U.S. Representatives who don’t stand on stage at a campaign rally and fondle the cardboard crotch of a life-size cutout of Trump.
MTG is up for reelection in 2022. You know what to do, Georgia.
These trying times have proven that Harris County Judge Lina Hidalgo is the anti-MTG. Judge Hidalgo has repeatedly represented the voice of reason when our county needed tough but true leadership. Her unrelenting commitment to doing what’s best for her constituents through plague and weather disaster makes us eager to vote for her in whatever capacity she chooses to run for in the coming years.
Time magazine shares our esteem for Judge Hidalgo by placing her on its “2021 Time100 Next” list, which lauds “100 rising stars who are shaping the future of business, entertainment, sports, politics, science, health, and more.”
I’ll admit, I didn’t vote for her the first time she ran for office, but I sure will the next time. Mayor Hidalgo? Governor Hidalgo? Senator Hidalgo? Queen Lina? I’m good with any of those options.
Despite its best efforts to wreak havoc, Uri finally fizzled out. And Houstonians have once again proven to the world that we can rise above and beyond nearly anything that Mutha Nature throws at us.
Houston Strong. Hang in there, friends.
PS: Hurricane season starts in three months.