By Nancy Ford

Not sure what the deal is, but an onslaught of wadding is afflicting the panties of an inordinate number of Texas’s state legislators this year. Beyond attacking drag queens and bars that audaciously allow them to perform (see HRH Report in this issue), Republican lawmakers (surprise!) have introduced two more bills that would restrict educators from teaching about sexual orientation and gender identity in public schools.

Mirroring Florida’s law “don’t say gay” laws, Rep. Steve Toth (R-The Woodlands)’s prohibits schools from teaching about sexual orientation or gender identity from kindergarten through fifth grade. Rep. Jared Patterson (R-Frisco)’s HB 1155 would extend that prohibition through the eighth grade. Because…the children.

Is anyone surprised by these antiquated Republican attacks? They’re simply staying true to the brand. After all, the Texas GOP’s official party platform explicitly opposes “efforts to validate transgender identity,” and defines homosexuality as “an abnormal lifestyle choice.” 

Toth and Patterson and their ilk’s efforts are not only heinous but are also inefficiently misguided. If their real aim is to “protect” children from ungodly gay influence, they should change their target to cartoons. For decades, cartoons have more gays in them than Walgreens’ makeup aisle on Halloween. 

There are a few animated characters that have come out of the cartoon closet in recent years. The Simpsons’ Waylon Smithers is out about his long-time guy crush, Montgomery Burns. Also in The Simpsons’ queer universe, Patty Bouvier, Marge’s hard-smoking, gravel-voiced sister channeled her inner dyke by riding on a Pride Parade float in 2005.  

And Scooby Doo’s Velma Dinkley came out as lesbian in the live-action Scooby movies. I have to admit: I love Velma. She can jump in the back of my Mystery Machine anytime she wants.

But far more ubiquitous are the myriad queer folk in CartoonLand who are less forthright about their sexuality, many of which have been around for ages, casting their craven influence on innocent minors. For example:

• Bugs Bunny (Looney Tunes). Bugs enjoy dressing in drag, most notably à la Carmen Miranda with a big basket of fruit as a headdress. He isn’t averse to planting a big, wet, sloppy kiss on Elmer Fudd’s lips. And he knows how to work that carrot. “What’s up, Doc?” he says. I think we know exactly what’s up, Bugs.
• Bobby Hill (King of the Hill). Sure, he’s crushed on his super-smart girl next door Connie Soopanusenphon for years, but Bobby has a certain savoir-faire air that makes us wish the show was still churning out new episodes. Daddy Hank’s reaction to Bobby’s coming out would likely set propane tanks exploding all the way to Arlen.
• Wilma Flintstone and Betty Rubble (The Flintstones). The bond between these two stone-age women is undeniable. There’s no way Barney handles Betty’s high-pitched giggle.
• Rosie the Robot (The Jetsons). She doesn’t need a man or, as in Rosie’s case, a man in a can. Rosie the Robot, much like her foremother Rosie the Riveter with her bandana and flexed “We Can Do It” attitude, gets her work done, thank you very much.
• Peppermint Patti and Marci (Peanuts). The indefatigable Marci’s unfaltering devotion — subservience, even — to the far more dominant Peppermint Patti (her beloved “Sir”) makes us believe that not only are they two lesbians, but may also dabble behind closed doors in leather play. Think 50 Shades of Comfortable Cartoon Shoes. Then there’s  Schroeder, a dedicated musician who idolizes Beethoven (a lifelong bachelor) and always plays catcher on the Peanuts baseball team, implying that not only is Schroeder probably gay but is also a bottom. And Lucy’s over-the-top affection for him is sublimated lesbian overcompensation or she’s the ultimate fag hag.
• Yogi Bear and Boo-Boo (The Yogi Bear Show). The obvious “bear” affiliation aside, these two like frolicking in the woods a little too much to be considered straight. Supposedly, Yogi has a girlfriend named Cindy Bear. Ever hear of her? Me, neither. Maybe her name should be Cindy Beard.
• Big Gay Al (South Park). Completely secure in his identity, the notorious BGA was a role model the painfully closeted Mr. Garrison and his anguished alter ego, Mr. Hand, could only dream of. Later, of course, Mr. Garrison became Ms. Garrison, television’s first transgender animated character (if you don’t count Olive Oyl. Call it a hunch.)  
• Chip and Dale (Walt Disney). Possibly the longest ongoing same-sex couple in animated film history, these chipmunk lovers have shared their nuts in their treetop home since 1943. A more recent iteration titled Chip ’n’ Dale: Rescue Ranger’s butches up the pair by portraying them as first responders who are remarkably vibrant despite being almost 80 years old. 

SpongeBob and Patrick Star, Stewie Griffin in Family Guy, South Park’s Mr. Slave … we could go on and on. There’s no dearth of gay characters in the cartoon universe — closeted or not. Just like in the GOP.