As this issue of MONTROSE STAR goes to press, Vice President Joe Biden is nearly assured of being the Democratic presidential nominee. Admittedly, Joe wasn’t my first choice of Democratic leaders to unseat the nightmarish electoral experiment-gone-wrong that is Donald Trump. But as the saying goes, at this point, “Any Dem’ll do.”
Critical to Vice President Biden’s electoral success will be his choice of running mate. Most politicos agree that picking a woman as his running mate will help him win in November. The good news is, there are many qualified women to choose from who would make excellent VP’s. Here are a few possibilities:
• Sen. Elizabeth Warren. Was she not the most qualified, most articulate, most intelligent candidate hoping to be the Democratic nominee for U.S. President? Absolutely, she was. Did she not have the best plans to lift America out of the maelstrom it has suffered under more than three years of Trumpism? No question. Biggest dick? Definitely. Unfortunately, Warren’s dick was simply metaphorical. But among my friends, a metaphorical dick is far more appealing than a mushroom dick.
• Barbra Streisand. What a sure-fire strategy to snag all those gay Republican votes. Surely even gay Republicans are more loyal to Babs than they are to the GOP. And wouldn’t it pull this country together if she could be persuaded to sing the National Anthem at all official events? Happy days are here again!
• Ellen DeGeneres. With almost 80 million Twitter followers, Ellen could mount a get-out-the-vote campaign the likes of which this country has never seen. After she’s sworn in as VP, maybe she could have one of those torturous Game of Games tube contraptions installed in the White House to send screaming former Trump staffers down. Ideally, it would empty out in the deep end of a water trap at Mar-A-Lago.
• Hillary Clinton. Now there’s a wildcard. Wouldn’t that be karma in its purest form, in the most unfortunate possibility that Joe Biden would for some reason be unable to fulfill his duty as President? Clinton’s ascension to the Oval Office would no-doubt blow the top of Trump’s combed-over head clean off, followed by the total, World Trade Center-like implosion of the FOX News building in upon itself.
• Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. She’s brilliant, experienced, passionate, and takes zero sh*t from the opposing party. God, I love AOC. If that makes me a godless Commie, so be it, Comrade.
• Awkwafina. She’s a woman, she’s Asian, and she’s bi, so “Nora from Queens” hits all the diversity buttons we’re looking for in a vice president. Plus, she’s straight-up hysterical. After enduring the sad, unfunny punchline of Trump, this country needs a real laugh.
• Michelle Obama. The former First Lady has vehemently insisted that she would never run for elected office. But now that the girls are grown, and Barack is a Netflix executive and hot windsurfing supermodel, maybe Michelle would capitulate and join the Democratic presidential ticket. The White House needs its vegetable garden back.
• Michelle Wolf. Speaking of Michelles, who didn’t love Wolf’s earth-scorching performance at the 2018 White House Correspondents Dinner? Wait ’til you hear her in the Vice Presidential debate, versus Mike Pence. Mother, cover your ears.
• Sen. Kamala Harris. Sure, she slammed Joe in one of the first Democratic debates, but can’t we let bygones be bygones? At the very least, Joe, tap Kamala to be your Attorney General. She would be the best AG this country has seen in years, Barr none. (See what I did there?)
• Sen. Amy Klobuchar. What a class act. Instead of Trump serving Big Macs and chicken nuggets at White House dinners, Amy could spearhead the return of good, wholesome, nutritious potluck dinners to the People’s House.
• Stacey Abrams. She’s tough, she’s a Southern woman of color, and her nomination would also blow off the top of Trump’s head. Win/win/win.
• Holland Taylor. She’s as close to Ann Richards (may she rest in peace and in power) as we can get.
In the March 4 issue of MONTROSE STAR, some parts of What a World may have been interpreted by readers that coronavirus/COVID-19 is not a serious health threat. Let me state unequivocally, that is not the case. I encourage all of our readers to take whatever precautions you deem necessary to stay healthy and virus-free. Wash your hands frequently. Use hand sanitizer. Self-isolate if you believe you have been exposed. Call your doctor if you begin to show symptoms. Be kind to your fellow shoppers as you reach for that last 12-pack of Cottonelle.
And, as much as you can, continue to support our advertisers and other community businesses as we ride out this pandemic, please and thank you. We’re all in this together.