It’s a rough world out there. As this issue of MONTROSE STAR goes to press, idiots on four-wheelers are chainsawing their way through the Joshua Tree National Park. The Texans are not playing in the Super Bowl. Trump is still in the Oval Office.
Yes, it’s a rough world. It’s enough to make a woman want to cruise around a Walmart parking lot on an electric shopping cart while drinking wine out of a Pringle’s can. Which is exactly what one woman did recently in Wichita Falls.
Wichita Falls Times Record News’ Christopher Walker reported earlier this month that police officers in that smallish Texas city were called to a Walmart to apprehend a woman wearing a blue jacket and black pants who was “riding on an electric shopping cart more commonly used for people with physical limitations. Officers were also told she was drinking wine from a Pringle’s can…. The reporting party said the suspect had been riding around in the store’s parking lot since 6:30 a.m. while drinking the alcoholic beverage. When officers arrived, they found the woman in a nearby restaurant, at which point she was notified that she had been barred from the Walmart location.”
OK, let’s break this down. Blue jacket and black pants? That sounds like a considerable step up the fashion ladder from the ensembles thousands of Americans choose to wear when they visit their local Walmarts. In fact, there are whole websites devoted to posting photos of these entirely un-self aware folks who, from what I’ve seen, haven’t worn anything nearly as formal as a blue jacket and black pants on their best day. Unless the Wichita Falls woman was wearing the jacket on her head and using her pants as a cape (as I swear I have seen other Walmart patrons dressed before), I applaud her choice of outfit.
Not for nothing, a blue jacket and black pants conforms to Walmart’s required uniform for its outdoor employees. Maybe she was just killing time waiting for her shift to start.
But choosing a Pringle’s can as a receptacle from which to drink her wine? That right there is nothing less than just slow-clap, high-five brilliant. Think about it: The shape fits securely in the palm of her hand. She can hold the can between her legs while maneuvering around a sharp turn in the parking lot. She can snap the plastic lid back on top in case it starts to rain.
So many questions. Was it a Pringle’s tallboy, or one of those Dollar Store shorties? What kind of wine goes best with Pringle’s crumbs? Was it an amusing rosé? A sassy white? A full-boded red with notes of cranberry and polyester?
Since the “offense” took place in the morning, maybe she was enjoying a mimosa, without benefit of the orange juice.
Did she leave some of the Pringle’s chips still in the can before she poured in the wine to act as something of a flavor enhancer? And I can’t help but wonder what flavor of Pringle’s was in the can we’re talking about here. Flavors range from “Slightly Salted” to “Wavy Fire Roasted Jalapeno” to “Nashville Hot Chicken” to “Screamin’ Dill Pickle”. (And while we’re talking about it, what the hell does dill have to scream about?)
The report doesn’t say if Ms. Pringle’s was charged with a crime or violation, moving or otherwise. Perhaps the officers figured that her being barred from the Walmart was punishment enough and, even then, she’ll be OK. Turns out she has two other Walmarts to choose from in the immediate area, though she might have to recharge her electric cart while traveling between stores.
Nether did the report indicate what restaurant the woman was found in after her parking lot Pringle’s-and-wine cruise. Did she continue imbibing from that Pringle’s can while she ate a Big Mac or a Grand Slam? Or did she keep the pre-dawn party going with pub food, veering her electric cart into a 24-hour Applebee’s where she switched up to a shot of bourbon served in a Fritos bag?
I know what you’re thinking. Nancy, this story about a woman riding an electric shopping cart in a Walmart parking lot while drinking wine out of a Pringle’s can is all well and good, and undeniably amusing. But what is the tie-in to the LGBTQ community, as is the 30-year long mission of What a World?
Fair question. Consider this: Perhaps the our wine aficionado is a lesbian who, distraught over the current administration’s oppression of the LGBTQ community, resorted to finding solace in the bottom of a bottle. Or, in her case, the bottom of a Pringle’s can. I feel her pain. Pass that can, Sister. Cheers!