Don’t look now, but the highest of High LGBTQ Holy Days is already upon us. Happy Halloween! Time to look deep into your closet, push aside your right-wing evangelical second cousin who insists he “just hasn’t found the right woman yet,” and pull out a campy costume. Then hit the streets!
Just in time for the holiday, trick-or-treaters, tuckers and others received some very, very good news: Those wanting to dress in drag for Halloween may do so without fear of uber-conservative backlash. In a stunning display of judicial prudence, not to mention common sense, last month U.S. District Judge David Hittner said “Sashay away” to a new Texas law that sought to ban drag shows in the state and, in some cases, even imprison kings and queens because, you know, “the chill-drun!”
This past June — during Pride Month, no less — Texas Governor Greg Abbott signed an expanded, existing state law to prevent children from exposure to sexually explicit performances. The legislation, Senate Bill 12, didn’t specifically mention the word drag, but its intent was unmistakable: No drag, no way, no how.
Judge Hittner ruled in favor of the plaintiffs, writing that the law “impermissibly infringes on the First Amendment and chills free speech.”
“Not all people will like or condone certain performances,” Judge Hittner wrote, according to NBCNews.com. “This is no different than a person’s opinion on certain comedy or genres of music, but that alone does not strip First Amendment protection.”
The cherry on top of this hot fudge sundae of a case: Hittner is a Reagan appointee. Never in a million years would I have thought I would ever utter the phrase, “Thank you, President Reagan.” But here we are. Happy Halloween, indeed!
Having trouble deciding who or what you should dress as this year? So many memorable characters have burned themselves into our consciousness of late. With just a little creativity and a few easy props, you too can snag big bucks and “best of” bragging rights at your favorite neighborhood bar’s costume contest. Just adopt these fun, yet truly frightening, figures.
Boebertjuice. Surely you’ve heard about U.S. Rep. Lauren Boebert’s recent kerfuffle when she and her handsy boyfriend were bounced from a matinee of a live performance of Beetlejuice The Musical. There, Boebert broke all the rules of theater etiquette by vaping, groping, taking flash pictures with her phone and being a general ass. That dress, though. It’s comforting to know that after The Boeb loses her next election she’ll be able to find work on the pole. Her look that night would be easy to duplicate. All you need is a can of gold spray paint and a bad attitude.
Firefighter. The key to this costume is for the wearer to take up residence at Baba Yega Restaurant and have his or her hose ready for action. As we all know, Montrose’s signature favorite cafe has been shuttered for years following a series of mysterious fires, and has yet again delayed a promised 2023 opening ’til sometime next year. That’s OK. As my incredibly quick-witted Better Half says, “Anybody can throw some dill into potato salad and overcharge for it.”
Mickey Mouse. Who doesn’t love Walt Disney’s signature character? Well, apparently Florida Governor and president wanna-be Ron DeSantis doesn’t. Before, during and after Halloween, I’d love to see a life-sized Mickey follow Gov. DeSantis on the campaign trail, yelling, “Gay! Gay! Gay!”
Rudy Giuliani. This costume is a given. Rudy plays the quintessential Nosferatu with staggering frequency. Just get yourself a set of fake vampire teeth and a clip-on microphone, shove a hand down your pants and start yelling. For extra points, attach a leaking bottle of black hair dye to each temple to achieve maximum Rudy authenticity. And don’t forget the red wine. Lots of it.
Milk Carton Melania. This one is pretty self-explanatory. Joking aside, we’re prayng for her safe return from wherever she has gone into hiding.
Barbie. The summer blockbuster brought millions of us back to the movies. This is another easy character to duplicate — just pink it up. Better yet, dress as Barbie director, Greta Gerwig by stuffing a pink bodysuit with $162 million (Barbie’s opening day box office take). Conservative naysayers claim Gerwig’s masterpiece is a blatant attack on the patriarchy, so I definitely plan to see it again.
Donald Trump, the (not so) Friendly Ghost. All you need for this spooky costume is a white sheet with two eyeholes cut out of it. Better make it a king-size white sheet, because The Donald still likes his Happy Meals. Can’t find a white sheet? Look in his closet. It’s hanging next to the torch and rope.