A man with muscles and a bottle of protein.

Cheez Whiz or raspberry lube and other pandemic dilemmas 

“Oh, when I was a kid in show business, I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.† 

—Rodney Dangerfield 

“Home is heaven and orgies are vile, but I like an orgy once in a while.† 

—Ogden Nash 

By Randall Jobe 

Just a month ago, encouraged by the CDC, I was sure I was poised to make a serious choice: an orgy of food or other edibles of a sexual nature. Teased with a vaccinated end to the two years of Coronavirus imprisonment, with numbers dropping and a promise of a life well-lived, I was like a child on Christmas morning. Entertainment and sports venues were reopening, churches reassembled, business doors opened wide and if ever a light at the end of the tunnel had seemed brighter, I had not known it.  

Then, WHAM!, a new variant comes sweeping down the plain, and once again, we are forced to be physically distanced from masked marauders and stay-at-homes. If that were not injustice enough, Adele’s Vegas show is placed on hold, saving me hundreds, maybe thousands, of dollars, had I won the lottery and been able to afford a ticket. 

Oh, but I was waffling. Did I want to continue to make towers of Ritz crackers and chemical cheese propelled from a can by an unknown agent? Or did I want to check the expiration dates on a trio of flavored lubes that had sat idle for two pandemics no-sex years? OK, five years. All right, a decade at least, damn it!  

Was I ready to jump into a group of like-minded souls desperate for the forgotten human touch? After all, I had been more than comforted by my constant bedroom companion Lammie, a fluffy, overstuffed animal whose ability to snuggle and maintain a quiet demeanor had become my rock, my confidante, and measure of unconditional love. Turning to any other would seem like cheating of massive proportion.  

While cracker-stacked castles could easily be reinstated without so much as a fresh shave and combed hair, the libido put up a hard fight. But there was also a bevy of sinful edible delights. Have you ever taken two mayonnaise-heavy slices of Mrs. Baird’s bread packed with potato chips and kosher pickles, all smashed as thinly as possible? Heaven! What about an Oreo and Nutter Butter cookies wine pairing? Peanuts in a Dr. Pepper? The gastric orgies are endless.  

Of course, the repercussions are sometimes brutal, but generally easily moved through in a few days. Though the sexual swinging-from-the-chandelier still holds some appeal, when is the last time you saw a light fixture that could take the added 15, 25 or 40 added Covid pounds?  

Lord, save me! I am over being robbed of life’s enjoyment. First, it was restaurants, then public outings, family gatherings, and political “super spreaders†(Who cares? Not I!) I’m going to give it some thought. I’ll prepare a plate of my no-nonsense 12-ingredient nachos, settle into bed with my fleece-stuffed lover. Food channel or porn channel? There is such a slim difference.  

But, that’s just my opinion. 

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