Don’t look now, but the highest of High LGBTQ Holy Days is already upon us. Happy Halloween! Time to look deep into your closet, push aside your right-wing evangelical second cousin who insists he “just hasn’t found the right woman yet,” and pull out a campy costume. Then hit the streets!
Having trouble deciding who or what you should dress up as? So many memorable characters have burned themselves into our consciousness this year. With just a little creativity and a few easy props (and some cable news-savvy judges), anybody can snag some of the big bucks and “best of” bragging rights at your favorite neighborhood bar’s costume contest by adopting some of these fun, yet truly frightening, political figures.
Rudy Giuliani. This costume is a given. Rudy plays the quintessential Nosferatu with staggering frequency. Just get yourself a set of fake vampire teeth and a clip-on microphone, and start yelling. Voila!
Barron Trump/Caspar the (not so) Friendly Ghost. In deference to the youngest Trump scion’s pervasive public anonymity, all you need for this spooky costume is a white sheet with two eye holes cut out of it. Better make it a king-size white sheet, because Master Trump has shot up over the summer and is now taller than his father, which we can bet is not playing well with Daddy Donald. Can’t find a white sheet? Look in his brothers’ closets.
Ellen DeGeneres and George W. Bush. You’ve likely heard the kerfuffle about DeGeneres and Bush being all pal-sy wal-sy (is that how you spell that?) together at a recent Dallas Cowboys game. If that spooky scene somehow eluded you, it’s highly unlikely that you didn’t hear the erstwhile Queen of the Lesbians’ impassioned clap-back plea for “unconditional kindness” after detractors questioned her choice of friends. True, Bush has slipped to second place in the Worst U.S. Presidents in History Pageant; nobody can compete with Donald Trump for that title. But it appears that DeGeneres’s memory, sadly, has totally faded regarding Dubya’s multiple wars on women, marriage equality, and Iraq, and his other assorted atrocities perpetrated against humankind. This simple couples’ costume requires very little prep: one person squirts fake blood on their hands, and the other person wears blinders.
The Democratic Presidential Candidates. Looking for a fun, contemporary group costume that will accommodate all yours friends, no matter what their age, race, or gender may be? This gang of fifteen or more (at last count) may be just the ticket (pun absolutely intended). Here’s what you need: Thousand-dollar bills to toss around, a la Andrew Yang. A toga for Corey “Spartacus” Booker. A dominatrix outfit for Elizabeth Warren, to go along with that ridiculous yet spicy rumor about her having a bondage-filled affair with a 24-year-old Marine. White highway lane markers painted up the back of a smart pantsuit, to indicate Amy Klobuchar’s penchant for staying in the middle of the road. A parachute for Beto O’Rourke’s unfortunate freefall in the polls. A crash cart for Bernie Sanders (too soon?). A Father of the Year trophy for Joe Biden. Vice President or Secretary of State sashes for Pete Buttigieg and Kamala Harris, interchangeably. Then, for Michael Bennet, John Delaney, Steve Bullock, Tulsi Gabbard, Tom Steyer, and Julián Castro, just slap on a “HELLO! My name is ____” sticker.
Sean Spicer. Speaking of spicy, how many flouncy chartreuse ruffled shirts do you think we’ll see in the Halloween parades this year, paying homage to Trump’s former press secretary’s debut on Dancing With the Stars? And how many of those people wearing a flouncy chartreuse ruffled shirt will actually be Melissa McCarthy?
Stephanie Grisham. Don’t feel badly if you’re having trouble recognizing that name. She’s Trump’s current press secretary, and I have no suggestions for creating a likeness of her. Since actual White House press conferences with the actual White House press secretary are a thing of the past, nobody knows what she looks like.
Vice President Mike Pence. This impersonation requires some gymnastics to effectively capture. All you need to do is bend all the way over and stick your head up your butt.
Lindsey Graham. See instructions for Vice President Mike Pence’s costume.Jeffrey Epstein. This is an easy one. Treat yourself a pricey Fekkai haircut and toss on a pair of blue jeans and polo shirt. For the final, distinguishing touch, stick a rolled-up property deed to a remote, private island off the coast Thailand into your back pocket. Oh, c’mon — you don’t really think he’s dead, do you?