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An open letter to 2026
By Nancy Ford
Hello, New Friend! Welcome! We’re so pleased to meet you! You look shiny, bright and hopeful — nothing like your predecessor. Oooh, that 2025 was a mean bitch. Just look around at this big, nasty, oozing mess she left for you to clean up:
◾ The rollercoaster-like weather fluctuations. Killer fires and floods. Record high temperatures. Unrelenting ICE stormtroopers.
◾ The disrespectful rebranding of the Gulf of Mexico, The US Institute of Peace, The Kennedy Center and who knows how many more of our sacred establishments to come. Washington Monument, you in danger, girl.
◾ The desecration of the White House, cheered on by evil quadruplets Stephen Miller, Pam Bondi, Kristi Noem and Karoline Leavitt. And Elon’s sulfuric musk still lingers, but not quite as prominently as it did when he was chain-sawing his way through civilization.
◾ The far-too-many political assassinations, some more successful than others. Turns out our president has a Miracle Ear that heals itself after being bandaged with a sanitary napkin. He didn’t need that big, thick Maxi-Pad, though. There was barely enough ketchup — I mean, “blood” — to warrant a thin, little Stayfree Panty Liner.
◾ RIP, Dr. Bruce Smith, DDS. RIP, Bubba McNeely. RIP, Andrew Edmonson. RIP, Lilly Roddy. RIP, Montrose Star colleagues Jim Ayres and Rafi Espinoza. RIP, dear friend Cecil Garth. RIP, two of my cousins. RIP, June Lockhart. RIP, Jane Goodall. RIP, Reiners. RIP, Camp Mystic campers. RIP, Virginia Giuffre. RIP, White House East Wing.
Elon Musk and his chainsaw / LADBible.com
◾ RIP, the 600,000+ human beings who depended on USAID (United States Agency for International Development) for food, water and medical care. Trump’s DOGE cuts slashed and burned funding because, you know, shithole countries. Researchers at the Barcelona Institute for Global Health estimates that these cuts, even though some USAID funding has been restored, could lead to “more than 14 million avoidable deaths by 2030,” including “more than 4.5 million children under the age of five.”
WT actual F, 2025? Didn’t Father Time tell you “I love you” when you were Baby New Year in 2024? Is this why you decided to unleash vengeance on the entire world?
Nonetheless, we managed to squeeze a few drops of lemonade out of this perpetual pucker-inducing lemon of the year known as 2025:
◾ The absurd attacks on rainbow crosswalks triumphantly led to a rainbow art popping up on private sidewalks and inclusive church steps, and on LGBTQ-supportive shops and businesses all over the world. Funny (kind of) how color scares the crap out of bigots. They must hate Via Colori.
Donald Trump snags inaugural FIFA Peace Prize / Facebook.com
◾ Venezuelan politician and activist Maria Corina Machado — a woman! —__ snagged the Nobel Peace Prize. Then FIFA World Cup stooped to inventing a sham “Peace Prize” and bestowed it upon sore loser Donald Trump. Basically, it’s a Dundie Award for crybaby world leaders. Wait ‘til Donald finds out the medal he hung around his own sweaty neck is just a gilded yogurt cup lid. (Two references from The Office! Boom!) Too bad Machado’s shout out to President Sore Loser in her acceptance speech did not deter him from bombing all those Venezuelan fentanyl-laden fishing boats. Lest we forget, the self-anointed “Peace President” has also dropped bombs on Iran, Libya, Nigeria, Syria, Yemen, Pakistan and Afghanistan. Peace, President, my shiny white lesbian ass.
◾ Speaking of crybabies, the hissy fit pitched by haters of Puerto Rican super-duper megastar, Bad Bunny because “He’s not even American!” was downright hysterical. We can’t wait to watch his Super Bowl Halftime Show. Bun, please perform entirely in Spanish and grab your crotch a million times.
◾ Thrice-divorced Kentucky civil servant and MAGA lackey Kim Davis briefly reemerged like a beast from the pond scum that is her life to once again attempt to destroy marriage equality. Surprisingly, the often-uncooperative U.S. Supreme Court pushed Liddle Kim’s head back down under the water ’til the bubbles stopped. Yay! But we need to watch this slippery one — swamp creatures often reanimate. Looking at you, too, George Santos.
No Kings March in St. Paul, Minnesota / Stephen Maturen, Getty Images, Axios.com
◾ The two No Kings marches and rallies were not only inspiring, but also massive. As many as 5 to 7 million worldwide protesters turned out to decry demented MAGA policies.
The protestors themselves were non-violent, but their signs killed:
“Without immigrants Trump would have zero wives” and “You sucked in Home Alone 2” and “Honk if you never drunk-texted war plans” and “They want 1939? Let’s give them 1789 France.” Pure gold, unlike all those tacky Home Depot tchotchkes scattered around the Oval Office.
Anyway. Sorry about the mess, 2026. It’s so embarrassing. We all promise to put on our hazmat suits and help you with the clean-up.
Thanks in advance, 2026. Sincerely, The People of Planet Earth.
PS: Please release the Epstein Files.
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