A man in suit and tie holding a book.

Holy crap. Literally 


By Nancy Ford

First things first: I’m sorry. It truly was my intention to write this month’s column about something other than Donald Trump. Anything other than Donald Trump. Sweet Jesus, we are all so tired of Donald Trump. 

But just as Holy Week rolled into full swing last month, the former president announced he is adding yet another item to his ever-expanding line of Spencer Gifts-like stuff that nobody needs. Unlike his red hats, golden sneakers, mug shot T-shirts, preposterous trading cards, tough steaks, rot-gut vodka and so much more, this piece of merch ventures into uncharted, possibly blasphemous territory. 

This time, Trump is hawking the God Bless the USA Bible (GBUSAB), inspired by his rally intro song by country warbler, Lee Greenwood. 

“Happy Holy Week! Let’s Make America Pray Again!†Trump proclaimed in his new infomercial, proudly displaying his latest grift. “As we lead into Good Friday and Easter, I encourage you to get a copy of God Bless the USA Bible.â€Â 

Up to this point, Trump has been spotted in close proximity to a Bible only twice. The first time was when he was inaugurated. The other time, he held up a Bible for a photo op in front of a Washington D.C. church after he ordered peaceful protesters to be violently cleared from his path. Pretty sure both of those Bibles were made of asbestos. 

The GBUSAB is a King James Version, a translation endorsed in 1604 by King James of England whom, ironically, most scholars believe to have been more of a Queen. 

In addition to containing all the text found in a regular, non-Trumpy Bible, the GBUSAB contains copies of the U.S. Constitution, Bill of Rights, Declaration of Independence and Pledge of Allegiance. Because, depending on which MAGAniac you ask, America. Is. A. Christian. Nation. Period. 

But wait — there’s more! GBUSAB also includes a bookmark, likely cut from the numerous red neckties he can’t wear anymore because of the ketchup stains. 

All this can be yours for the low, low price of $59.99, or roughly how much Trump spends each day on hamburders. 

Let the questions begin. 

  • If GBUSAB turns a decent profit, can we expect a whole range of Trump-endorsed holy texts, like the Torah, Quran, Book of Mormon and the Bhagavad Gita, to hit the market? Hope so — it will be fun to hear Trump try to pronounce Bhagavad Gita.
  • Will GBUSAB’s Ten Commandments be edited to better accommodate Trump’s decidedly non-obedient behavior? What about the commandment that says “Thou shalt not lieâ€? If Trump stopped lying, his rallies would be briefer than a Presbyterian sermon in July.

Will the commandment that says to welcome neighbors be included? If so, there’ll be no more Trump talk about a border wall, and Mar-a-Lago membership will be free. 

What about the one that says, “Thou shalt not steal� The contractors Trump stiffed over the years might have something to say about that. 

What about “Remember the Sabbath to keep it holy� No more golfing on Sunday. 

And what about “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s ass,†even though when you’re star they let you do it? 

  • Will there be an audio version of the GBUSAB, with Trump himself narrating? The tale of Noah’s Ark might go a little something like this: “People don’t know this, but God told Noah — and we all love Noah, don’t we, folks? — to build an ark. God — a big, handsome God right out of central casting, with tears running down his face — came up to Noah and he said, “Noah, there’s going to be a lot of rain — a flood, some call it — and it will cover the Earth. Big water. Very wet, from the standpoint of water. Nobody’s ever seen anything like it. And then God tossed Noah a roll of paper towels and everybody loved it.â€
  • Will Trump follow the Gideon Society’s lead and place a GBUSAB in his hotels’ nightstand drawers? And will he keep a GBUSAB on his own nightstand next to his copy of Hitler’s speeches?
  • At rallies, will Trump fling copies like Frisbees to his acolytes, as he does with his red MAGA hats?
  • Trump’s Truth Social app recently went public, yielding him $5 billion, right? Does he realize that he now owes God $500 million in tithes? Get in line, God.

  

Perhaps the biggest question of all is how a man who says he is “a very strong Christian†also says he has never asked forgiveness of anyone, including the Almighty? That doesn’t sound like the Jesus I know. 

Granted, both Jesus and Donald Trump are well known for hanging out with sex workers. But Jesus didn’t give Mary Magdalene 130,000 pieces of silver to keep her mouth shut about it. 

Heaven help us all. 

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