HRH Report

Can’t Decide? Simply pick the one who is not out on bail 

By Johnny Trlica

Commentary: Should I go to JR’s or Barcode? Do I want a Shiner Bock or Bud Light? Should I sleep with my best friend or not? Decisions, decisions! Some choices are difficult to make.  

Should I take an Uber out or risk driving home from the male strip contest at Tony’s Corner Pocket? Do I want Taco Bell or Chapultepec? Do I buy a new BMW or keep my ’88 Pontiac Grand Am with the faulty brakes? Some decisions are easy to make. 

For assorted reasons, some voters are having an extremely challenging time choosing a candidate for president. The choice is between incumbent president Joe Biden, the Democrat, and the former president, Donald Trump, the Republican. 

Yes, they are both so old that they tuck their balls into their socks, but the similarities end there. Let’s sort things out.  

On the one hand, there’s the self-professed billionaire challenger who could not produce the $464 million bond he was required to pay as he appeals the judgment in his financial fraud civil trial. On the other hand, there’s the current president who is worth an estimated $10 million and is not facing 91 felony counts and is out on bail. He is also not a criminal defendant in a New York courtroom beginning on April 15. 

The Republican candidate is responsible for Roe v. Wade being overturned. His Democratic opponent is fighting to restore a woman’s reproductive freedoms. 

The orange guy was found liable in a sexual assault case and ordered by a court to pay his victim more than $80 million in damages. The other guy respects women and has nominated more women to federal courts than any other president. 

That same orange guy never met an anti-LGBTQ+ candidate he couldn’t proudly endorse. Rep. Mike Johnson, a Louisiana Republican, who Trump enthusiastically endorsed for Speaker of the House (for now) has views on the LGBTQ+ community that come straight out of the dark ages. “Homosexual relationships are inherently unnatural and, the studies clearly show, are ultimately harmful and costly for everyone,†Johnson wrote.  

Trump endorsed the G.O.P. nominee for governor of North Carolina who has described straight couples as “superior†to gay couples as well as equated LGBTQ+ people to “maggots†and “flies,” and referred to being gay and “transgenderism” as “filth.” 

Biden is an ardent Human Rights advocate and defender of LGBTQ+ equality. 

The Florida resident is responsible for torpedoing a bi-partisan border bill that included  $20 billion in funding for things like 1,500 new border agents, 4,300 asylum officers, and new innovative technology to detect and stop the flow of fentanyl. The current White House resident is ready to sign that bill when it gets to his desk. 

The 77-year-old candidate is a national joke as evidenced by his complete humiliation at the hands of Jimmy Kimmel during a live broadcast of the Oscars. “I’m really proud of something, I was wondering if I could share it with you. I just got a review and has there ever been a worse host than Jimmy Kimmel at the Oscars? His opening was that of a less than average person trying too hard to be something that he is not and never can be,” Kimmel began to read. 

“Get rid of Kimmel and perhaps replace him with another washed-up but cheap ABC talent, George Slopanopoulos. He would make everybody on stage look bigger, stronger, and more glamorous. Blah, blah, blah, Make America Great Again,†he continued. 

The camera then cut to Jodie Foster as she laughed uproariously and clapped. 

“Oh. OK, now, see if you can guess which former president just posted that on Truth Social? Anyone? No?†Kimmel asked as the crowd cheered and laughed.  

“Well, thank you, President Trump. Thank you for watching, I’m surprised you’re still — isn’t it past your jail time?” Kimmel said, eliciting even more laughter and applause. 

The 81-year-old candidate has the character to laugh at himself. “One candidate’s too old and mentally unfit to be president,†President Biden said recently. “The other guy’s me.â€Â 

The (R) candidate cannot even win the support of his former vice-president. Mike Pence stunned MAGA world by announcing that he will not be endorsing his ex-boss for president, but then few of us would endorse a boss who just about got us killed.  

“It should come as no surprise that I will not be endorsing Donald Trump this year,†Pence said bluntly on Fox News.  

The candidate with a (D) next to his name has the whole-hearted support of his VP, and has never tried to kill her. 

If you are still undecided after knowing all this about the two candidates, there may be a psych hospital in your future, or how about you just go with the one who is not out on bail come election day.