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TRUMP TV | Coming soon to a small screen near you
By Nancy Ford
The sanitary pad taped to his ear. The train wreck of a forum with the National Association of Black Journalists. His faux-hillbilly running mate.
Given the golden shower of media weirdness Donald Trump has drenched us with every damn day since he rolled down his golden elevator back in 2015, we all believed that TrumpLand couldn’t possibly get any more overblown or overexposed. Alas, we were wrong.
Earlier this month, the Trump Media & Technology Group announced the impending launch of Truth+, its new streaming platform. Just like “regular” TV networks, Truth+ will offer channels featuring news, commentary, weather, lifestyle and entertainment, but with a Trumpy twist.
Trump weather? Woo hoo! Who needs Doppler radar when you have a Sharpie!
The programming, the press release continues, will focus on “Christian and family friendly content,” so cue the Kevin Sorbo made-for-TV movies.
Trump-themed shows like The Apprentice and various beauty pageants probably won’t be available on Truth+ due to copyright parameters, but don’t worry — there’s a plethora of other lesser-known Trumpish shows locked way in the vault. For example, did you know that Donald Trump was executive producer on a show called The Girls of Hedsor Hall? You’re not alone.
Filmed in 2008, The Girls of Hedsor Hall revealed the antics of “12 out-of-control American girls” who move into a 12th-century English mansion to learn about things like etiquette and refinement. You know — characteristics Trump is famous for. Hilarity ensued, no doubt.
According to The Hollywood Reporter: “The concept has Trump’s fingerprints all over it: a dozen ‘bad girls’ from all over America — one a self-described nymphomaniac, another a black-out drunk, another a gutter mouth — were shipped to a finishing school outside London, outfitted in skimpy schoolgirl uniforms and lectured by a stern headmistress on how to behave like proper English ladies.”
Sounds like the plot of My Fair Lady, but with more abuse and not as much music.
With only eight filmed episodes and even fewer that actually aired, the show might have failed simply based on its title. Hedsor Hall sounds like a college dorm with a bad reputation for body lice. Apparently there wasn’t enough interest in the series to mount a spin-off: The Gross, Oddly Balding Men of Coldsor College.
But The Girls of Hedsor Hall moniker is far more palatable than the show’s original title, Lady or The Tramp. Not kidding. Look it up.
The Hollywood Reporter described The Girls of Hedsor Hall’s creepy audition process thusly:
“In the summer of 2008, Donald Trump — riding high on the renewed success of his Emmy-nominated NBC reality show The Apprentice — hosted an audition at The Beverly Hills Hotel. Two dozen attractive women, most in their early 20s, filed into Bungalow 22 — Trump’s home-away-from-home when visiting L.A., even though he owns a mansion right across the street — and stood in front of a video camera while a casting agent grilled them about their drinking habits and sex lives. Trump sat glumly on a sofa and watched. Toward the end, huddled with the production heads to give his notes, he said, ‘Not hot enough,’ according to several people who were present. ‘We need hotter girls!’”
“We need hotter girls!”? There’s another great slogan that belongs on a red trucker’s cap.
The show’s eventual “winner” undergoing the most notable Eliza Doolittle transformation received $100,000. The “losers” likely got a lifetime filled with night terrors and PTSD flashbacks.
“They barely fed us — I guess they thought it made better TV if we were hungry and cranky,” one unlucky contestant told THR. “They washed our uniforms maybe once the whole time I was there.”
After allegedly being sexually assaulted at a cocktail party by one of the guests, this same unfortunate contestant told the producers she wanted to go home.
“Well, that’s going to be hard,” the producers replied with about as much compassion as Donald himself has for anyone not named Ivanka. “We have your passport.”
The young woman was finally sent home after she passed out from dehydration and malnutrition while shooting (what else?) the pheasant hunt episode.
“That’s when they realized I might be a liability to them, because I was not well, so I got sent home,” she said.
It will be interesting to see if reruns of The Girls of Hedsor Hall will be included in Truth+’s lineup of Christian and family friendly content. Meanwhile, there’s always YouTube.
No date has been set for Truth+’s big rollout. Until then, we’ll have to settle for regular old, non-stop media coverage of Trump’s antics, hopefully culminating with his humiliating landslide defeat at the hand of Kamala Harris in November.
That, my friends, will be the ultimate in must-see TV.
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