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Survey Says: Register to vote!


By Nancy Ford

First, let me explain. I am not a member of the Republican Party, although I was born into a Republican family. A super-Republican family. In fact, a now-deceased uncle proudly proclaimed each and every election season that “he never smoked a cigarette, never took a drink of alcohol and never voted for a Democrat.†What a fun guy!

Looking back with my now acutely honed gaydar, this particular uncle flamed brighter than Lindsey Graham in a petticoat, sipping a mint julep in the springtime breeze.

No, I am not a Republican (surprise!), but I do subscribe to a number of Republican Party and conservative-leaning websites; I consider it opposition research. If you ever want to get a close-up taste of how Repubs think, act, and editorialize as spittle builds up in frothy little white puddles in the corners of their mouths, sign up for alerts from some of that party’s websites. GOPUSA’s The Eagle’s founder and Texas son, Dr. Bobby Eberle, also fancies himself a racecar driver (it’s a fossil fuel thing). WND News (formerly World Net Daily, aka Wing Nut Daily) loves publishing quasi-celebrities like Ted (“Let’s kill something!â€) Nugent, Victoria (Ukelelist for Jesus) Jackson and Pat (“What? I’m still alive?â€) Boone. And Lifesite News recently ran a review of the top-Oscar winning The Shape of Water titled, “Liberals refuse to condemn bestiality, now call it interspecies romance.â€

Reading posts like these are much like watching really gory, over-the-top horror films: You’ll laugh, you’ll cry and you might throw up a little in your own mouth. Bottom line, you’ll become more informed about how our country came to find itself in a massive clown car crash — upside-down, tires a-spinning, and leaking flammable fluids — while cruising down the road to Destination Make America Great Again. Reading these foggy blogs will also give you a well-deserved air of superiority that confirms you make better, more Beatitudinous choices for your life and the wellbeing of those you love — not to mention, the entire planet — by not supporting the Republican platform.

All that having been said, imagine my (not) surprise at recently finding the “2018 TRUMP PRESIDENTIAL PLATFORM SURVEY†(yes, in all caps, like in a Tweet) in my snail mailbox. Touted as an “Official Republican Party Document†(so you know it’s real, by God), the questionnaire asked for input on a number of Trump’s favorite causes célèbre.

Republican National Committee chairwoman Ronna McDaniel penned the survey’s intro letter, breathlessly reminding recipients that “President Trump put his entire life including his successful business at risk to run for the White House because he knew no on else could bring about the needed changes to the culture of Washington D.C. and the structure of the federal government.â€

No, Ronna. Trump ran for president because Barack Obama and Seth Meyers made fun of him at the 2011 White House Correspondents Dinner. Google it.

Among the survey’s questions:

–“Do you agree that President Trump has made stimulating the economy and creating jobs a top priority of his Administration?†No, I believe his top priority is playing golf, Tweeting from his bed, and plastering his hair with enough Aqua Net to burn even more holes in the ozone than his coal agenda.

–“Is stopping the flow of illegal immigrants…a matter of national security?†No. If it was OK for Melania, it’s OK for the Dreamers.

–“Should federal funds be provided to non-profit organizations such as Planned Parenthood USA whose primary function is conducting abortions?†Propaganda. Screening and treatment of sexually transmitted diseases, pap smears and breast cancer screenings far outweigh PP’s abortion services, which account for approximately three percent of its annual services. Don’t you know that lying make Jesus cry?

–“Do you believe that our nation will be better off economically, more secure and more united in purpose if President Trump succeeds in implementing the remainder of his agenda to Make American Great Again?†No, I believe if Trump implements his agenda, our nation will cease to exist as anything more than a sad reminder of what can happen when democracy becomes a reality show.

The survey rambled on, asking 33 carefully molded, overtly slanted questions pertaining to economic issues, health care, national security and other topics. At the end, of course, came the request for a donation. That’s when I laughed so hard I shot Earl Grey tea through my nose. Instead of boxes indicating various levels of sponsorship ranging from $15 to “other†they should have added a box that said “Bite me.†That box, I would have checked.

There are approximately seven months between the published date of this issue of MONTROSE STAR and the mid-term Election Day on November 6. Please register to vote so we can really make America great again. Then have a drink — and maybe even a cigarette.

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