Illustration of a pair of pink ice skates with white laces on a soft background.

The Olympic trials of Mike Pence


By Nancy Ford

It’s hard to believe it’s already been four years since the last time the world’s top athletes gathered to compete in the Olympics in Sochi in Russia.

Sigh. It was a simpler time. Barack Obama was our president and Russian Federation President Vladimir “Hey, look at my man-boobies!†Putin wasn’t our Obama’s best friend. Ah, the good ol’ days.

As you may remember, in June, shortly before the 2014  games, Putin signed a bill punishing those who spread information promoting a “distorted understanding†that homosexuality and heterosexuality are “socially equivalent.â€

What a load of borscht-shit.

In a thinly veiled “Oh yeah? Well, get a load of this!†response to Russia’s ban on “gay propaganda,†the Associated Press reported in mid-December that President Obama’s official delegation representing the U.S. at the Olympics’ opening ceremony would include gay and lesbian athletes.

The AP story announcing the delegation to the Sochi games revealed that it will be comprised of openly gay athletes tennis great Billie Jean King and hockey player Caitlin Cahow. Armed respectively with their tennis racket and hockey stick, King and Cahow would travel to the games with the delegation’s leader, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano—who is long thought to be a lesbian.

“I am equally proud to stand with the members of the LGBT community in support of all athletes who will be competing in Sochi,†Queen King told the Washington Post at the time. “I hope these Olympic Games will indeed be a watershed moment for the universal acceptance of all people.â€

Unfortunately, Billie Jean wasn’t able to make the trip to Sochi. Her mother was sick and BJ stayed home to care for her. That’s how lesbians roll.

But rounding out the delegation was Olympic champion figure skater, Brian Boitano, who couldn’t be gayer if he starred in his own Food Network series. Which he did.

Admit it, Obama-haters: This was a brilliant move on President Smooth’s part. It sent a blatant, middle-fingerish message to anti-LGBT Russian lawmakers, especially considering Olympic delegations in the past have been led, if not by the president himself, then by his Vice President or his First Lady.

What a difference four years make. The United States’ diplomatic delegation to the 2018 Olympics’ opening ceremony in Pyeongchang, South Korea was led by none other than the Trump administration’s homophobe-in-chief, Vice President Mike Pence, and his wife, Karen.

Here’s a question: If Pence calls his wife “Mother,†what did Pence call his actual, biological mother? My money is on “Mommy.†I hope so hard that Karen calls Mike her “Silver Daddy.†And then I hope he Googles that phrase.

Here’s another question: What does Pence call his wife while in the throes of passion? Surely, please God, something other than “Mommy.â€

But I digress. Back to the Olympics. Hats off to all 14 out LGBTQ athletes competing in the Winter Games, with special kudos to gay figure skater (sorry to be redundant) Adam Rippon for his response to the news that Pence would attend the opening ceremony.

“You mean Mike Pence, the same Mike Pence that funded gay conversion therapy? I’m not buying it,†Rippon told USA Today.

Not only did Rippon raise a stink about the uber-homophobic Pence representing the United States in the presidential box, he also refused to meet with the VP to discuss the issue, saying he preferred to not become distracted from his quest for a gold medal.

I can’t help but wonder, though, what Pence had planned to say to Rippon in defense of his infamously anti-gay position. Maybe Pence simply wanted to ask him some simple questions about the LGBTQ community. Like, “Are all male figure skaters gay?†or “What’s a Silver Daddy?â€

Of course, Pence’s office is denying they ever requested a meeting with Rippon, claiming “fake news.†The thing is, the request for the meeting went through all the proper channels before Rippon declined; it’s not like Pence sent a message to Rippon through his Grindr account.

Meanwhile, Pence was his regular, ever-affable, charming self at the ceremony by remaining seated as the unified North and South Korea’s athletes entered the arena, even though everyone else in the box stood out of respect for their Olympic host. And he refused to even acknowledge the presence of North Korean leader Kim Jong Un’s sister, Kim Yo Jong, in the presidential box. The BBC describes Yo, 30, as “having a sweet, good-natured disposition, with a bit of a tomboy streak in her.â€

Maybe that’s why Pence didn’t shake her hand: he was afraid he might catch some of those tomboy germs.

Good God. Surely Pence’s mommy raised him to have better manners than that.

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