A helicopter flying over a city with clouds in the background.

Looking for a city 


By Nancy Ford

First things first: Happy Mother’s Day to all the wonderful mothers out there. If you are among the lucky folks whose mom is still around, hug her neck right now. Or call her and tell her you want to hug her neck. You won’t be sorry. 

Now on to other things. 

Have you heard about the big plans Donald J. Trump has for our country, should everything that is right and holy abandon us and he becomes president in 2024? Well, seems that Donnie the Builder has an idea to change the U.S. landscape by building new cities — the biggest, best, most beautiful cities you’ve ever seen. And they will be called — wait for it — Freedom Cities. 

 “Freedom Cities will reopen the frontier, reignite American imagination, and give hundreds of thousands of young people and other people — all hardworking families — a new shot at homeownership…with plentiful single-family housing,†Trump said in a recent Truth Social video.  

These will be brand new cities, mind you. Even though it might be a better idea to renovate existing cities that are crumbling but who residents have already pledged their unfaltering fealty to Trump. Like Waco and East Palestine.  

The federally-chartered manufacturing hub/cities will all have the standard amenities of regular, non-Trump cities but with some extras, like “vertical takeoff-and-landing vehicles.â€Â 

Yep, flying cars. Cue The Jetsons’ theme song. 

Most of al, the cities will provide a MAGA paradise where all of his supporters can find security and solace. The flip side of that questionable coin is that there may be a few things that they won’t be found in these futuristic Freedom Cities. 

Bakers there won’t need to fear being forced to bake multi-tiered cakes for gay weddings, because there will be no gay people in his cities. Duh. So good luck trying to find a dependable hair stylist or landscape designer, too.   

It goes without saying that there will be no drag queen story hours — not so much because there will be no drag queens in Freedom cities, but more because there will be no books. Drag queens who do choose to reside there will be George Santos/Kitara Ravache impersonators. That way, they won’t be actual female impersonators. They’ll be Republican legislator impersonators. And thanks for taking that long walk with me to that punch line. 

Job opportunities for flag makers and shooting range staff will be abundant, but the number one job for women will be reproducing. I swear I’m not making this up. “Baby bonuses†will be awarded to residents for squeezing out kids. Hitler did it first, you may remember. No word on whether or not these children will be dubbed Trumpensborn. To quote the immortal Molly Ivins, the whole idea sounded better in the original German. 

Of course, Freedom cities’ movie theaters will screen nothing but Kevin Sorbo, James Woods, Jon Voight and Tim Allen films. No Disney. And definitely no M&M’s. 

Freedom City restaurants will serve regular, good ol’ American home cooking, with everything will be floating in a sea of ketchup. Want your steak cooked rare? Nope. For anything but well done, you’ll have to move along to one of those lefty cities down the road, presumably in Obamaha, Nebraska or Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.  

MAGA-FM radio stations will play an endless loop of “God Bless the USA†and sanctioned musical selections from the Ted Nugent catalogue. And maybe the soundtrack from Cats. Trump likes Cats — the play, not the pet.  

Churches? You bet your sweet ass (the kind of Jesus rode into Jerusalem on Palm Sunday) there will be churches. And collection plates. Big beautiful collection plates. The biggest, shiniest, gold collection plates you’ve ever seen. Grown men will cry with big tears running down their faces as they empty their pockets intro these big beautiful golden Trump collection plates. But no mosques or synagogues. Just Jesus churches. Did you expect otherwise? 

Schools? Sort of. Kids will learn essential facts of American history, like that battle in the Revolutionary War when the patriots rammed ramparts and manned the airports. Teachers will be required to have more street smarts than book-learnin’ because, again, no books. 

Sports. Sure, why not? No soccer, though. Soccer is Commie football. And no trans competitors. In fact, no women in sports, period. Sports makes women think they can compete with men. Can’t have that in Freedom City. 

Porn? They’ll find a way. 

But who will run these cities? Who wants to be mayor of MAGA Town? I hear Tucker Carlson is available. 

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