A white envelope addressed to Santa Claus at the North Pole, featuring red and blue borders and a postage stamp with Santa's face.

A grown-up letter to Santa


By Nancy Ford
Dear Santa,
How the heck are you? Long time no write, right? I know, I know. It seems the only time I come to you is when I want or need something. It’s not like I don’t think of you often; I do. It’s just that, you know, when I was a child acted like a child, so naturally you were a big part of that period of my life.
Those were the good ol’ days. I remember writing to you in kindergarten and elementary school on construction paper with crayons, asking for a coveted toy or game. I wonder if kids still do that in school. I’m thinking not. Writing a letter to Santa is probably seen as anti-diversity in public schools, and anti-Baby Jesus in Christian schools.
But now I am a woman, and I have put away childish things. OK, I can’t lie to you, Santa; I have not put away childish things entirely. Lord knows I still think a Happy Meal. But these days that’s not childish — it’s somewhat presidential.
So how’s the wife? She sure puts up a good front during your bust holiday season. I hope you appreciate what she goes through to let you shine. In the off-season, how about consider taking her somewhere warm with a beach where someone else can make the cookies for a change? And leave the elves at home.
Anyway, here I am with another list that includes not only requests for myself, but also makes a few suggestions for others who have been on our minds throughout this Busby Berkeley-esque trainwreck of a year.
• Protect what few LGBTQ rights and protections that we queer American citizens — especially the Ts in the LGBTQ — have left.
• Please expand the beautiful young Tess Pearson’s coming out story on This Is Us. Persuade the writers to let her grow up to find success and happiness with a beautiful, successful and happy lesbian partner who is well adjusted and not as moody as Tess’s mother, Beth. After all, that show already makes us cry enough as it is.
• Please give Senator Lindsey Graham a new boyfriend who will repeatedly tell him that Lindsey’s newfound butchiness and the spine he recently grew looks real good on him.
• Please enable a kinder and gentler political party to restore our nation to the noble, respected power it once was. And by “a kinder and gentler party,†I mean a party that doesn’t cage children after separating them from their mothers who seek refuge in the United States. Let’s start there.
• And while we’re talking about “kinder and gentler,†please sooth whatever it is in Ellen DeGeneres’s soul that causes her to find such delight in torturing people on national television. While we’re glad that Ellen is often generous with her own and her sponsors’ money on her talk show, her game show reveals a sadism that hard to ignore.
• Please give Supreme Court Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg any damn thing she wants. And while we’re talking about the Supreme Court, please give Dr. Christine Blasey Ford a home where she can find peace after she so bravely and eloquently spoke her truth to power in the recent judiciary confirmation hearings. And please give Associate Justice Brett Kavanaugh what he deserves.
• Please make President (at press time) Donald Trump stop using the Rolling Stones’ classic hit, “You Can’t Always Get What You Want†to close out his campaign rallies. According to Mick Jagger, the song is about “drugs and Chelsea†(the neighborhood in London, not the Clinton daughter). It’s inappropriate, Trump doesn’t have permission to use it, and he has forever tainted one of my all-time favorite songs by continuing to play it. Since he and Trump are such good friends, maybe Kanye would let Trump use on of his own songs as a rally recessional. His “One Minute†collaboration with the late rapper, XXXtentacion, might be more on target. (Google it.)
• And while we’re talking about the Rolling Stones, please consider gifting me with tickets to the upcoming Rolling Stones concert, because those things are so pricey, only a miracle from heaven or the North Pole could land those in my stocking.
• It would be wonderful if you could arrange for the Avondale Promenade Park, that new park in Montrose’s Avondale Historical District that’s being developed to be named for our recently deceased queer hero, Ray Hill. And please make sure the developers install some kind of permanent podium, maybe fashioned like a soapbox. Ray would have liked that a lot.
• Also, if you could arrange for world peace, an end to hunger, a quick and happy ending to the Mueller investigation to close out the year, I know a lot of people who would be eternally grateful.
Thanks in advance, Santa. If you can’t personally cover all these items, maybe Jesus can help.
Love,
Nancy

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