Sorry, no jokes here

The art of the deal to end humanity

Do you have a favorite movie or, if you’re like me, a long, long list of favorite movies that you like to rewatch?

Of course, most of us indulge in The Wizard of Oz repeatedly. It’s kind of like church for queer folk. When we see Dorothy wake up in her blue gingham jumper, we know she’s safe (except for a possible concussion) and surrounded by a higher power. That’s comforting.

Theoretically, rewatching a favorite movie has emotional benefit beyond simple entertainment. Already knowing the outcome offers viewers a sense of control for a couple of hours. In what increasingly seems to be an out-of-control world, that’s comfort food for the mind.

It’s tremendously comforting to know that Nemo will eventually find his daddy and get on the school bus. George Baily will find Zuzu’s flower petals in his pocket and realize he really does have a wonderful life. And Caye will jump on that departing train at the very last moment and ride away with Vivian to a life of everlasting lesbian bliss.

But there doesn’t absolutely need to be a happy ending, even though we’ll take all the happy endings we can get these days. There’s no happy ending when Joe is discovered floating face down in Norma Desmond’s pool. The comfort and control happen because we know Norma will be ready for her close-up forever, Mr. DeMille.

When it feels like the whole world is on fire, literally and metaphorically, who doesn’t need comfort and control wherever we can find it?

Recently I rewatched an old favorite, The Monuments Men. Set in the closing days of World War II, this George Clooney joint focuses on a largely unknown but highly significant Allied operation. The mission was to retrieve priceless works of art stolen by the Nazis at the behest of their Fuhrer.

Had the Axis won the war, works by Van Gogh, Rembrandt, Michelangelo and other great masters — thousands of them — would be housed in the Führermuseum, with Adolf Hitler (a failed artist, you’ll remember) installing himself as its director. As war raged, Adolf loved sharing the museum’s architectural plans and talking about this tribute to himself while sipping tea.

Eventually, Adolf ordered that if he were to be assassinated, his museum and these “acquired” works of art, as well as Germany’s entire infrastructure, must be burned to the ground — a total cultural and geographical holocaust of all living and non-living things. He dubbed this edict “The Nero Decree” in honor of his personal favorite mad emperor who had set Rome ablaze.

Back to the movie. The Monuments Men eventually got its happy ending.

Works by Picasso, Matisse, Munch, Cezanne, Rodin and other geniuses — more than 5 million individual pieces — were saved from destruction. Humanity survived the ego of a madman. That time.

Jump to January 2020. In the last days of his first term, Trump ordered the assassination of General Qassem Soleimani, the leader of Iran’s military operations.

Jump to July 2026. Just last month, Israeli intelligence sources reported Iran’s alleged plan to kill President Donald Trump. Trump’s tit for Soleimani’s tat, so to speak.

In response, Trump posted the following decree on Truth Social: “1000 Missiles are locked and loaded and aimed at the Islamic Republic of Iran, with thousands of more to immediately follow, should the Iranian Government act on its threat, pronounced in many corners of the Globe, to assassinate, or attempt to assassinate, the sitting President of the United States of America, in this case, ME! Orders have already been given, and the U.S. Military is ready, willing, and able, for a one year period of time, subject to extension, to completely decimate and destroy all areas of Iran – PRAISE BE TO ALLAH! President DONALD J. TRUMP”

Again, I get it. Soldiers kill. Almost a quarter-million people burned when the U.S. nuked Japan to prevent Japan from bombing us.

Approximately 93.2 million people currently live in Iran. Its recorded civilization dates back more than 10 thousand years — ancient artifacts like baked clay figurines of humans and animals tell us that. But happy 250th birthday, America!

Iran doesn’t have a nuke. Vaporizing its entire landspace and heritage, not to mention those 93.2 million people, would not be an act of war. It would be the final act of a madman that would undoubtedly lead to the ultimate global tit for tat.

“Decimate and destroy.” Do I hear Nero fiddling?

What’s on Turner Classic Movies tonight?

Please come back next month for some laughs. Right now, I just can’t.

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