A doll with curly black hair and a black studded jacket is shown in three altered images, progressing from clear to gradually more faded.

The Great Cher Conspiracy Revealed

| ‘Here We Go Again Tour’ at Toyota Center December 15

By Johnny Trlica and Evan Friske

Few entertainers have enjoyed the success and endurance of Cher. A trendsetter since the mid-1960s, the gay icon shows no signs of retiring anytime soon.

The ageless gay icon has had a #1 Billboard chart-topper in six consecutive decades, starting in 1965 with “I Got You Babeâ€, a duet with Sonny. The 1970s included chart-toppers “Gypsys, Tramps & Thieves†and “Half-Breedâ€.

Cher’s signature song, “If I Could Turn Back Timeâ€, banned from MTV video, came along in the 1980s.

The Oscar winner saw her biggest hit ever in 1999 when “Believe†spent four weeks at the top of the charts and finished as the year’s top Hot 100 single.

In the ’00s, Cher dominated the dance/club charts with hits “A Different Kind of Love Song†and “When the Money’s Goneâ€, both from her album Living Proof.

Cher was riding high again in the teens when “Haven’t Seen the Last of Me†from Burlesque reached the top of Billboard charts.

Last year saw Cher reach the summit with “Dancing Queenâ€, a cover album of Abba songs.

Not one to stop at throwing out hit records, Cher hit the road for a tour. (Insert Farewell Tour jokes here.) She is slated to bring her “Here We Go Again Tour†to Toyota Center on Sunday, December 15.

To what does the “Believe†singer owe this amazing display of longevity? Evan Friske has a theory.

Unveiling the mystery

Cher’s first No. 1 single was in 1965. Six decades later she still has top songs and albums, plus sold-out concerts throughout the world. She has sold over 100+ million records, has every award on the books, and has 3.3 million Twitter followers.

But what’s really interesting is the fact that she doesn’t age and her music perfectly evolves with the times. There is only one thing that this can mean for the musical artist Cher and we can reveal it now: she’s a robot. The construction of Cher began in 1943 as part of the Manhattan Project and was completed on August 14, 1945.

Emperor Hirohito of Japan refused to surrender after the destructive power of two atomic bombs on August 6 and 9. In response to the immovable position of the Japanese Emperor, the United States was forced to display their secret weapon: Cher. After the demonstration of Cher’s power, Emperor Hirohito surrendered unconditionally on August 15.

The voices in my head also report that best guess to the secret destructive force of Cher is that she turns into a dinosaur mega-monster that can tear apart a city at one moment and hide in the sea if serious opposition arises. The movie Godzilla was based on the demonstration of Cher’s powers. The Goddess of Pop is also the God of Destruction.

With WWII finished, the military reconstructed Cher to civilian purposes on May 20, 1946. Quickly, the automaton known as Cher used her adaptive programming to become a sensational pop artist in 1965 while partnering with Sonny (maybe another robot…or an alien. Who knows?).

Sonny and Cher became number one in both America and the U.K., and by the next year Cher already had solidified her solo career with a million sells for her first single. In 1971, the artificial intelligence Cher moved to television and furthered her popularity.

Up to the present, Cher has sold over 100 million records, performed in multitudes of television series, movies, and plays, written books, and even participated in fashion.

We ought to be glad that Cher was reprogrammed from the art of war to the liberal arts.e

Editor’s note: Yes, that was satire.

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