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Not-so-hot Gossip
By Randall Jobe
“Remember, rumors you hear about me are as true as the ones I hear about you.†—Anonymous
Set off a spark of gossip among a gaggle of cocktailed queens and it may start as a Boy Scouts’ marshmallow roasting campfire, but quickly spreads like a California wildfire on a windy hillside. If you’re the object of said gossip, prepare to burn, baby, burn! Start a smidgen of gossip in a gay bar and watch it spread like your favorite STD in Club Houston on any Sunday night. It can go from 0 to 60 in the time it takes the bartender to shake your dirty martini.
I would be a fool to believe, after 25+ years working in the bars, that I wouldn’t have been raked over the gossip coals more than once by some speech-slurred whore on her 18th cocktail. Most of the time I was, thankfully, not privy to the character assassin’s tongue, but occasionally it goes around until it lands firmly in my lap, like a dancing boy looking for a dollar tip.
A dear female friend of mine went to work at an upscale boutique in Rice Village and encountered her co-worker — a loud-mouthed, temperamental, high-drama queen (a retail prerequisite). One day she mentioned my name and loose-lipped Lucy started in.
“I knew him. I thought we were dating, but one night I walked in the bar he worked in and caught him in a below-the-belt lip lock (think, think!) with another guy!â€
When my friend relayed the story, I had her shoot me a photo. I had no idea who he was. I explained to her that he had begun with, “I thought we were dating,†and that said it all. She delicately asked, because she’s a true Princess, what about the “other thing?†I informed her that element of the story could very well be based in some truth.
Who knows how many times that story had been recounted by the jilted non-boyfriend over soggy eggs and mimosas?
Avoiding gossip is like avoiding backsplash of a drink thrown in your face by the boyfriend of the boyfriend you slept with. You’re gonna get wet, so just prepare for a little cleanup and more than likely a permanent character stain. “That’s life. That’s what people say.â€
How does gossip start? Sometime it is deliberate, started by a sad queen with no life who lives to start drama in yours. (I do not own the rights to that thought.) But, other times, I believe it begins innocently enough ignited by some witless gay boy looking to fit in.
I recently heard from a friend of mine that his friend was dating an empty-headed, hard-bodied, big-dicked twink (two out of three ain’t bad!). Twink heard my name and immediately shot off his wet, full-lipped mouth with, “Oh, I think I know him! Was he best friends with a guy named Ronnie? I think they met in AA, or maybe it was Narcotics Anonymous.â€
My friend reminded him that the key word was “anonymous†(Hello, Clueless!) and that I had never mentioned a “best friend, Ronnie,†which I later confirmed. And that’s how it starts. I hope I never run into the chiseled, modelesque little darling. I’d hate to chew his pretty face off and spit it back at him.
“I am who I am. Your opinion is neither desired or required.†Bitch. Spread that gossip.
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