A man with his arm around the back of another man 's leg.

Court ruling could allow masturbating made a crime 


By Johnny Trlica 

Commentary: Having worked nearly thirty years in a psychiatric hospital by no means makes me an expert in psychology, but living to a ripe old age, I know crazy when I see it. The Alabama Supreme Court receives the Jack Nicholson in The Shining Award for the craziest ruling of the year (so far). 

The Alabama Supreme Court ruled that fertilized eggs and embryos hold the same rights as children. Let’s repeat that. The Alabama Supreme Court recently ruled that frozen embryos can be considered children under state law. 

“The state Supreme Court decision centered on a lawsuit in which three couples sued an Alabama fertility clinic in 2020 for the ‘wrongful death’ of their frozen embryos, under a law meant to impose civil penalties for the deaths of children. The embryos were reportedly destroyed when a patient at the clinic accessed the cryogenic storage area where the embryos were kept and dropped the embryos on the floor. A circuit court judge had dismissed the lawsuit in the wrongful death suit, ruling that the statute did not apply to frozen embryos,†reported AI.com. 

The Alabama Supreme Court reversed that decision, with a majority of the justices ruling that fertilized eggs and embryos hold the same rights as children. 

“[T]he Wrongful Death of a Minor Act is sweeping and unqualified. It applies to all children, born and unborn, without limitation. It is not the role of this Court to craft a new limitation based on our own view of what is or is not wise public policy. That is especially true where, as here, the People of this State have adopted a Constitutional amendment directly aimed at stopping courts from excluding ‘unborn life’ from legal protection,†the court wrote. 

Alabama has some of the strictest laws in the nation surrounding abortion. All abortion after the point of conception is illegal, with no exceptions for rape or incest. The state even attempted to outlaw women traveling to other states for their reproductive care, but the Department of Justice overturned that decision. 

The U.S. Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe v. Wade in 2022 sparked Republican-controlled states to write draconian laws regarding a woman’s right to seek an abortion.  

Ancient church doctrines believed that sex was dirty and evil, an idea that crept into Christianity from early Catholic teachings. Realizing that the act was necessary to conceive children, a compromise resulted in their teaching that sex should only be engaged in by married couples when they wanted to have children. 

The Alabama court’s decision should raise concerns on how far their religion-inspired insanity will take this nation. Will the ripple effects of the Alabama court and, with the Republican Party becoming increasingly radicalized, lead to the arrests of men who masturbate? If a frozen embryo is considered a child, should the warm semen, landing on a man’s stomach instead of impregnating a woman, be considered murder? Will right-wingers create nut police to track down masturbators? Will there be a Department of Seed Security?  

Many men masturbate several times a day, but when pleasuring one’s self becomes a crime, will they go on the down low? Do we form a secret society of masturbators, giving the old circle jerk new relevance?  

Sound crazy? Before dismissing the premise described above, consider the political atmosphere in these divided United States. Less than two years ago, a pregnant woman whose life was threatened by an unviable pregnancy could easily receive the healthcare she needed. Today, women are dying from not being able to access an abortion when needed. Alabama — and Texas, for that matter — have a complete ban on abortion, with no exceptions for rape or incest. 

Republican presidential candidate Nikki Haley jumped on the crazy train, agreeing that an embryo and semen is an unborn child. “I mean, I think embryos, to me, are babies,†Haley said during an interview with NBC News.  

The entire party is radicalized and will stop at nothing to win and send the entire nation back to the dark ages. They’ve already taken away abortion rights and attacked the rights of trans people. Many believe they will be coming for contraception and same-sex marriage next.  

If you think this column is far-fetched, remember that Missouri lawmakers are pushing bills that would allow for women who get an abortion to be charged with murder, Nazis were marching down the streets of Nashville last month, and people are buying five-dollar golden shoes for $399. 

Male masturbators may want to start perfecting their edging skills. We may long for the day when we thought the only negative about masturbation is that we would go blind, and not land us in county jail. 

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