Close-up of a blue shirt with a noticeable stain labeled "STAIN" on a yellow tag. The background has an orange gradient effect.

A foodie and his money…

By Jim Ayres

Are soon parted. Isn’t that how the adage goes? Happy Pride, everyone! As Houstonians and visitors gather to celebrate the 50thanniversary of Stonewall, I’m sure many of us will drop food on our clothes. I know I will! I do it nearly every day.

Take a recent potluck, for example. The offerings were, as always, scrumptious from appetizer to dessert. Along the way I scooped up chicken, pork loin, pasta salad, and other fatty treats. Most if it made it safely to my plate. 

A few drops got plated, all right — on the front of my shirt! A shirt I’d planned to wear all evening. What to do?

I said my goodbyes and ducked into a nearby CVS. There I found what I’d been hearing about. Commercials, print ads, and testimonials, all raving about a wonder product that with a swipe of a Sharpie-like pen, removes stains wherever you are!

I had to try it for myself. It wasn’t hard to find. A splashy display at the front of the store extolled its virtues, and the stock was going fast. But I bought one as if it were the second coming of Hints from Heloise.

I ripped open the cardboard and plastic package, opened the pen and applied the solution to the stains as directed. Nothing. Zilch. Each stain was as stubbornly dirty as when food dropped from fork.

The directions for use were easily readable. The fine print was not.

With Proctor & Gamble’s years of leadership in the laundry field and its unlimited research and marketing budgets, you’d think that this product, one that hundreds of thousands of people have yearned for, would be a slam-dunk. But you gotta read the fine print:

Tide to Go® does not work on grease stains. It’s not that great on coffee either.

Now I ask you: What percentage of food stains does not involve some kind of grease? For adults, I imagine it’s mighty low. Fruit juice, grass, and dirt are for kids, and supposedly Tide to Go is great for those. 

But for us, a splatter of bacon at breakfast? A drop of mayo from your sandwich? A dribble of chili con queso, an ooze from a burger or steak? Salad dressing? Dipping sauce?

Tide to Go doesn’t do anything for these common stains. And it’s $2.99 at HEB; much more at CVS. 

I know there are people (aka everyone else I know but me) with the presence of mind to make sure each bite of their food is drip-free before putting it in their mouths. And I refuse to put a napkin down the front of my shirt.

You can get rid of grease stains. I’ve heard of people using club soda (at the time of the mishap) or pretreating with Dawn before laundering. I personally favor OxiClean Max Force. Just spray it on prior to washing and grease stains disappear. But P&G, you’ve pulled one over on us ravenous food sharks. Tide to Go is the ultimate impulse. I had that impulse too, but I won’t buy again.

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