By Nancy Ford
About that speech that our president delivered to those super-duper, MAGA-humping, Bible and Trump-thumping attendees of the Values Voter Summit. Yes, by now, this is old news; who knows what fresh new hell the Orange Menace will have gotten us all into by the time this issue of MONTROSE STAR lands in our precious readers’ hands? (North Korea, we’re looking at you.)
A refresher: Last month in Washington D.C., President Trump delivered the keynote address to a gathering of alt-right religious extremists. The Values Voter Summit’s main sponsor is the frothingly anti-gay Family Research Council (FRC), which, you’ll remember, is that charming group declared by the Southern Poverty Law Center to be an official hate group, right up there with the Klan and Westboro Baptist Church.
This was Trump’s second consecutive appearance at the annual Summit, having included it in his 2016 campaign slog to the White House, hoping to squeeze out more votes from the alts. In his speech this year, he actually let it slip exactly how important these people are to him: “One of the promises I made you was that I’d come back. See?’ And I don’t even need your vote this year! Can I take next year off or do I have to be back?” he said to the cheering, glassy-eyed, oblivious, drooling crowd.
Other speakers included Steve “I’m a Leninist” Bannon, U.S. Senator Ted “Porno” Cruz, and one of the bearded bombast-hurlers from Duck Dynasty. Or maybe he was from ZZ Top. No, it was Duck Dynasty. ZZ Top wouldn’t do us like that.
In addition to all of the anti-equality propaganda they could slurp up, attendees at the Summit were given a SWAG bag of freebies. What was in the bag? I’m thinking, no condoms, “I’m With Her” refrigerator magnets or two-for-one discount coupons to the symphony.
Instead, one of the items in the bag was a pamphlet advertising a 607-page book titled The Health Hazards of Homosexuality. According to Queerty.com, the book claims that “homosexuality is not innate,” and lists all the “‘self-harming’ behaviors LGBTQ practice in their daily lives like bondage/sexual sadomasochism, partner abuse, and the safer sex lie that is causing disproportionate disease incidence among gays, lesbians, and bisexuals.”
The book also explores all the reasons, Queerty.com continues, “why homosexuals have shortened lifespans, chronic conditions, lower quality of life,” how “bisexuals have the highest incidence of pathologies,” and how “lesbians and heterosexuals are imitating unsafe homosexual male practices.”
I think they mean butt stuff.
I hope this pamphlet wasn’t the only thing in that bag. Maybe next year, organizers can also gift this goofy god squad with:
– A commemorative photo of Kim Davis, that infamous county clerk from Kentucky who has been elevated to sainthood by the FRC since she refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples. Suitable for framing (or darts).
– A cake mix (angel cake, most likely) to make their own damn cakes so they can be sure not to employ heathen bakers who might dare to bake cakes for same-sex weddings.
– A pair of scissors and a can of Aqua Net (super hold) so they can do their own hair after they incarcerate all the really good stylists.
– A television remote control device that blocks all television shows containing positive portrayals of The Gay. This basically leaves only The 700 Club and most of the Fox News Channel for their viewing pleasure.
– Matches for book burning. This implies that VVS attendees actually read, so a small book of matches will suffice. May also be used to light tiki torches for spontaneous neighborhood Nazi marches.
– A long red necktie to emulate their Dear Leader, and to use as a tourniquet to stop their bleeding should they ever visit Lakewood Church when its raining, in case Lakewood’s delicate roof should cave in on their heads. Made in China.
– A roll of paper towels for when a hurricane hits their region.
– A pocket catheter in the event they should find themselves in desperate need of a public toilet, but are too afraid to use it because they might run into one of those scary transgender folks.
– A flashdrive containing a PowerPoint presentation explaining to the Pearly Gates keepers how abusing the poor, sick, aged and needy, and preventing the aforementioned transgender folks from using a public toilet trumps (pun completely intended) the Ten Commandments, The Beatitudes and that business in the New Testament about “suffer the little children to come unto Me.”
By the way, just to tie up the whole matter with a big, flaming alt-right bow, on the very same day Trump delivered his Values Voters Speech he also de-certified Obama’s lauded Iran nuclear deal, bringing his FRC friends—and the whole wide world—that much closer to eternity.
World without end, amen.